Scientists discover genetic flaw in Blonde Female Contrition Deficiency

Scientists working in the field of genetics have discovered what they describe as a weak propensity toward contrition among blonde females. The study, funded by multiple scientific communities, is especially relevant at this time because of what some have described as "a startling lack of contrition" from U.S. presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and Russian tennis star Maria Sharapova.

Clinton, who won the popular vote by more than 3 million votes, was denied the presidency because of a decades-long media campaign to demean and disparage her, massive voter suppression, the last-minute interference of FBI director James Comey, and a sophisticated campaign in Russia that used bots to plant continuous false "news" stories about her.

Clinton's campaign also made strategic errors for which Clinton has assumed responsibility. However, her detractors believe strongly that these errors comprise the only relevant factor in Clinton's failure to win sufficient electoral college votes, and that the candidate is therefore "without contrition."

Sharapova was found guilty of taking a substance that has not been scientifically proven to enhance performance, and that was suddenly banned under very suspicious circumstances, and--in a move that was draconian even for the International Tennis Federation--a ban of four years was suggested as her punishment. The ban (the only one given to the dozens of athletes who used the substance) was changed to two years, after which WADA (the anti-doping organization)'s president made a shockingly prejudicial statement about the Russian athlete.

The Court for Arbitration of Sport reduced Sharapova's ban to 15 months, and stated that she "bore no Significant Fault or Negligence." It is true that Sharapova was careless in failing to take responsibility for knowing that meldonium, the substance in question, was banned. She took full responsibility for her negligence. She has also (correctly) pointed out the questionable way in which the WADA/ITF procedure was handled, and has therefore been accused of both "playing the victim" and not demonstrating that she is contrite.

The genetic scientists who conducted the study were quick to point out that Clinton and Sharapova are only the two most recent cases of Blonde Female Contrition Deficiency. They cited the case of Madonna, who refused to express any contrite feelings for appearing in cutting-edge music videos, despite the demands of the Catholic Church, among other institutions. And they pointed out that Clinton has a long history of BFCD, which includes not feeling bad enough over her disdain for baking cookies, and not feeling guilty enough for staying with her sexually misbehaving husband.

The panel also found worthy of further study the phenomenon they called Projective BFCD, citing the case of Genie Bouchard. The blonde Canadian tennis star, who has stated her belief that Sharapova should receive a lifetime ban, is currently under attack by the United States Tennis Association for failure to show contrition for sustaining a concussion because of the USTA's blatant negligence at the 2015 U.S. Open.

There is no word yet as to whether BFCD will be classified as a genetic medical vulnerability or be put forth for inclusion in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.